Deep rambling off the top of my dome. "Just botsing it", some would say.

Why aren't I more crazy.

And yeah, that's right, I'm too good for question marks. I write questions and end them with full-stops. And I call it a full-stop instead of a period. Recognise.

Anyway.

Why aren't I more crazy? I look at myself in the mirror (well, not really, but I got a mental image of myself), and I think: I really need to be more crazy. You know. Crazy, as in not caring what people think about me, and just being myself. Crazy as in not backing down from a challenge, even though it doesn't seem practical or even possible. Like those nuts as preachers from Africa. Or those crazy dudes from the Rotorua church that everyone in MNL is friends with (not knowing inside jokes that everyone else knows sucks by the way. another reason to not semi-backslide. anyway). Crazy as in actually living the way I say I do.

What exactly would I do though? How exactly would I be different? Hmmm. Well...

I suppose I would be honest a lot more. Because, in this society, it'll be crazy to be honest. We're expected to laugh at certain things, tolerate certain things, shun certain things, etc. If you don't, well, then you miss out on life, because society is over there, and you're way over here. We lie all the time, to each other, and to ourselves. And even spiritually, we start to tell ourselves that the places we put ourselves in are also the places God wants us to be. And then from there we start justifying ourselves. When really, as soon as we open our mouth ready with an excuse, we feel conviction in our hearts. I would have to be honest with myself and where I am in life. I'll have to ask questions of myself, like:

"Am I supposed to be here, in this time and place? In God's timing and planning, does it dictate that I should be doing what I'm doing at this exact moment?"

I get scared when I think of that question, because I suspect the answer is "No. Not even close." Followed by "You're supposed to doing THIS, over HERE." What's this and here? Knowing my luck, it'll be something that terrifies me. Somewhere I don't wanna be. I mean, hey, maybe I am where God wants me to be, and I fluked it by being selfish and God just kinda rolled His eyes and turned it round for good. But I mean, it's good to know right? Good to ask. If not, well, then be honset with yourself, cut your losses, and start obeying. It's also important to note that I'm not describing how I live, but rather how I believe we should live. You know, the whole "I'm preaching to myself as well" thing.

Except I'm not preaching. Well, hopefully not. I'm trying not to. I should also try to not ramble on and on, just because something occurs to me. Anyway, this post has probably gone a totally different direction than the beginning of it implied, because I havn't gone back to edit it, but who cares. Sporadic and unedited can be the theme for this hour. Maybe I'll make this a series and post more on it later. Maybe it'll never occur to me again. At the very least, I hope this post in some way encourages, motivates, or reveals something to you. If not, well, there are a lot worse ways you could have spent your time.