In defence of FAKE wrestling.

Disclaimer: this post is a little long and probably won't interest any of the people who I know actually read this. So if you don't care about pro wrestling, you might wanna give this is a miss. Unless you're curious to know why someone like me would enjoy something as seemingly mindless as WRESTLING. Maybe. I dunno. Anyways. You've been warned.

This is to all the haters out there who don't like pro-wrestilng or WWE, and think wrestling is stupid and think that people who like it must be idiots. Well, we are idiots mostly, because wrestling is kinda stupid. But hear me out.

Wrestling is so totally fake.

And? You know that movie that you really really like? Yeah, it's fake. It was actually filmed by a director, acted out by actors, and written by people who made it up. When you're discussing Sex And The City, do you see me lean in and say "Carrie isn't really a person! She's fake!"? No you don't.

But why should people cheer for John Cena to win if the results are predetermined and both the wrestlers know the ending? Waste of time isn't it?

It's the same as watching a romcom and hoping Hugh Grant and whoever the chick is end up together. Or watching a horror and hoping the good looking guy survives. Or watching Shortland Street and HOPING Kieran gets snapped. Even though these are already set in stone, because it's written by the writers, we still hope things turn out the way we want, because we start to get to know the characters and hope they get they what they deserve, good or bad.

And it's exactly the same for wrestling.

The wresters are also characters. Rey Mysterio is a little dude who has a big heart. He's honest and hardworking, and we cheer for him because he fights honourably, and is the underdog. CM Punk is a dickhead, through and through. He berates others for not believing what he believes in, and is an insulting and condescending person. So we boo him. Sure, that's what the WWE creative team WANT us to think, but that's like any other form of entertainment. We're supposed to cheer for the good guy and boo the bad guy. Just like in books. And films. And TV shows. What's the difference? It's just that with wrestling, it seems that it's 'cooler' if you know if it's fake and treat it that way. News flash: You're what society calls "a douche bag".

Well at least with Sex And The City, I can relate to Carrie. She's real. But these wrestlers aren't like real people!

They're not playing sexually promiscious women from New York. They're playing athletes in a sport. Athletes tend to be toned. And they tend to diss other athletes in their sport. And you often see them competing in their sport. Shock and awe. Just like how the wrestlers in WWE portray them!

Well whatever, their moves look fake. Why don't they try make it look more realistic??

Because the cat's out of the bag. Once people realized it wasn't real, the game changed. People know it's fake right? So what's there to be gained by making everything uber realistic? You're not fooling anyone. Think about it. With people knowing it's all just scripted, they can begin to make things a bit more exciting. Moves can be more flashy. Without being tied down by trying to fully maintain the illusion, you can branch out and come up with new manuveurs that wouldn't really help you in an MMA or boxing match, but are purely there to look entertaining.

Also, matches can be longer. A 'real' wrestling match couldn't last half an hour, because if the things that they did were real (you think anyone would wrestle again after recieving a piledriver), they would be dead by the half-hour mark. Just look at UFC. You'll be lucky if heavyweight title bouts last 5 minutes. Because that's how long it takes to scout an opponent, tire them a bit, then lock on a submission or continually hit them with blows. And with 2-hour weekly shows, WWE can't be running 5-minute main events.

So that's why people climb up to the turnbuckle, then leap off and fall onto their opponent. Because it looks awesome. You don't believe me? Go onto youtube. Search for 'Swanton Bomb'. Or better yet, 'Shooting Star Press'. Or if you really wanna have your mind blown? Look for the '450 Splash'. These moves are not meant to be overly realistic. They are there to be... well, to look totally kickass.

Ok fine, but tell me this? Wouldn't it get boring? Surely after a while all the wrestlers would have performed all their moves onto everyone? Wouldn't all matches pretty much look the same?

The answer? It's something that we call 'story-telling'. Story telling is exactly what it's name implies: it's a story told in the ring. What does that mean? Well, imagine this:

Triple H is the WWE Champion. Randy Orton wants the championship, and hates Triple H. But he's a bit... well, unhinged. Kinda crazy. Orton attacks Triple H backstage for no reason other than to intimidate him. He attacks his father-in-law by punting him in the head viciously. He physically assults Triple H's wife, and then while she's knocked out... he kisses her. Ouch. Triple H is obviously furious, so he goes to Orton's house and assaults him, resulting in him tossing Orton out through his window. Then they get booked for a match at Wrestlemania. But the stipulation is that if Triple H gets disqualified, he will lose the title automatically.

This is a rivalry. The more 'in the know' word for it is a "feud". When they finally have their match at Wrestlemania, there is a story behind it, motives for both 'characters', and it's just a match between two sports men. It becomes personal. So there's a story. And that story can be told in the ring.

Will Triple H disregard the championship and attack Orton illegally during the match? What kind of moves will he use? Will his anger get the better of him? Or will he try win it legit? Chances are, he'll wanna attack very hard because he HAAATES Orton. But in a way that will be legal? We'll see. And there's Orton's side. He now has Triple H rattled, and can exploit that. Orton's moves in the match will be slow. Methodical. He'll want to draw out Triple H, make him more angry, let his anger take over, therefore force a mistake.

So there we have it. Instead of just a match where two wrestles simply try to out-wrestle another, we have a match where their storyline and motives actually dictate how they wrestle, and how they perform.

Of course, there are so many other sides to story-telling that I won't get into in detail. There's psychology (limping slightly if your ankle has been hit a few times, making slight facial expression changes when something occurs to you, etc).

There is also making style clashes apparent. For example, a match between a light quick wrestler and a heavier opponent will exploit the differences. When the smaller man jumps off the top of the ropes, maybe the other dude will catch him mid-air. When the big man lifts his opponent for a slam, the quickness of his opponent will allow him to reverse and roll the bigger man for a pin.

But that's enough. I'm not here to make you like it. Only to make you understand that if you don't like it, and you diss it, you sound like a complete fool because you don't know what it's about. It's part soap opera and part stunt-performing. Diss the wrestlers all you want, but they are incredibly talented. They're not actors, or stunt performers, or public speakers. But they have to be decent at all of them. On top of that, the current UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar is a former wrestler, and has said that professional wrestling was the most difficult thing he's ever done in his life. He says pro-wrestlers will never truly get the props they deserve. Ladies and gentlemen, your UFC Champ.

And if you're still reading this, consider yourself lucky. Because this was almost a "Why Lost Rules" column, and would have been 5 times as long as this.