Gifts I'll never buy

Christmas has come and gone people. I hope everyone got good presents right. I was reading a blog recently, and the writer did a column where he listed gifts he would have bought for various wrestlers (it was a wrestling column), if he had the power and money to give them.

So, in the same way, these are just a bunch of gifts I would give to different celebrities that I know of; some of these are gifts that money can't buy, but it's the thought that counts in this case. Literally. Because, you know, I'm not giving it to them for real.

:D
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- Lady GaGa:

Everyone loves how strange she is, and how she encourages people to be themselves no matter how weird they are. Or something like that. I think. Anyway, a staple of her image is her... well, image. She dresses strange.

So for her, I would buy normal clothes. You know, maybe she's just weird because she never tried regular clothes. I might be doing her a favor; I mean, no jeans or t-shirt could be more uncomfortable than wearing meat, and I suspect that she doesn't actually know that.

- Taylor Swift:

She is notorious for writing honest songs about each relationship she's ever been in. Well, honest from her point of view at least right. But anyway, as a T-Sweezy supporter in general, I am bummed out when she releases the "he was such a dick and really bad boyfriend" songs.

So, for her good and mine, I would buy her a loving and genuinely faithful boyfriend. Because, seriously, songs like "Today Was A Fairytale", "Fearless" and "Hey Stephen" are killa as.

- Wayne Rooney:

Once the jewel of English football, this Manchester United striker has struggled to reclaim his form. (Wow, I've been reading way too much sports journalism...) He is one of the best strikers when he is on form, but the problem is that right now, he isn't.

Here's the situation in laymen's terms: last year, after 44 games, he had scored 34 goals. This year, after 10 games, he has scored 2. If this is kept up, after 44 games, he will have scored less than 10 goals. For him, I would buy his confidence and killer instinct back. Well, it actually looks like he bought it a long time ago, so I guess I would buy him a detective to find out where it went.

And yes, I'm only doing it because I'm a Manchester United fan. And what of it?

- Christian Bale

My main man Bale. This guy has been consistently (forgetting that "Terminator: Salvation" happened of course) been one of our generations best actors. "American Psycho", "The Prestige", "3:10 To Yuma", and "Rescue Dawn" are all great showcases for his level of skill, as well as his complete lack of a desire to overact the part. Subtlety and reality are his specialty, and with his Golden Globe nomination for the recent "The Fighter", it seems that the award voters are finally coming round.

However, for my present, I would buy him an Oscar nom. Actually, as a belated gift, I would buy him the Oscar win. This guy deserves it.

- M. Night Shyamalan

This guy is the very definition of the term "decline of quality". Can you believe that the guy that brought us "The Sixth Sense" is also the same guy that completely butchered one of the most beloved modern animated series? It's honestly like he has never actually seen the show.

As per logic, my gift for this formerly great Indian director would be all the Avatar: The Last Airbender seasons on DVD. Watch them bro! Aang is happy! Firebenders create their own fire! Ozai isn't a Maori!